Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
