Those Phrases from A Parent That Saved Me during my time as a New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You require some help. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and regain his footing.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to discussing the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his challenges are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to talk amongst men, who still internalise harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I failed to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a pause - spending a couple of days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That realisation has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor actions" when he was younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a family member, your other half or a counsellor how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - nutritious food, getting some exercise and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your mental state is coping.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help does not mean you've failed - taking care of you is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for many years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."